A few days ago, this Gawker piece proposed the elegant solution of moving Israel from its current location to Germany. Now some readers took umbrage that this was a shockingly daft thing to say, but I disagree; writer Hamilton Nolan’s sole problem is that he didn’t go far enough. We don’t want Israel in another country, where the current inhabitants of said country will likely get pissed off and start bombing it from different angles; we want Israel somewhere really far away, where we don’t have to worry about it. Somewhere like the moon.
Now, I know this may be shocking to those of you who aren’t as forward thinking as me and Hamilton Nolan, but hear me out. As a Jew, I know that Jews are smart; I read all of Proust’s In Search of Lost Time and kept all of the characters’ names straight in my head without taking notes*, and I’m not even half as smart as some Jews. All over the world, when it’s someone’s job to ask the important questions like “What are the most pressing challenges in theoretical physics?” and “How LONG has that nuclear reactor been on fire?” those people are always Jews. If anyone can figure out how to travel to the moon cheaply (and hopefully terraform it so we can grow grain for bagels there), it’s My People.
After all, the United States might have put people on the moon once, but it’s not like this country gives a fuck about space travel anymore. Instead of establishing moon colonies, we’re now concerned with far more important things, like making women complete obstacle courses before they can receive different kinds of birth control, and seeing how many times we can repeatedly test small children in schools before they develop the blank, hundred-yard-stare of shell-shocked fighter pilots and dead-eyed prostitutes. If the US has no use for the moon anymore, why not give it to someone who can use it?
Advancing technology to the point where space travel and settlement becomes affordable will be difficult I know, but not an insurmountable problem. Remember, this is Jews we’re dealing with: just promise whoever comes up with the biggest innovation in space travel a lifetime supply of free Chinese takeout from their favorite hole-in-the-wall joint in Queens, and I promise you, we will get that work done faster than a chocolate dreidel melts on the pavement in Boca Raton.
After all, no one does motivation like Jews: for millennia, unmotivated Jews were caught relaxing when the lynch mobs came around and got themselves killed super-fast, so the only Jews left are the go-getters. Even now, when Jews are considered “privileged” by people who carefully, meticulously calculate these things, every Jew has an internal “I’d better be really useful today or else I’ll totally get killed” mode that can be triggered for maximum productivity.
So building our beautiful Lunar Jewtopia is just a matter of time; I can’t wait until I can play low-gravity tennis with all my old Hebrew School classmates. And think of how wonderful the Middle East will be once Israel is out of the way! All those different factions, who have hated each other for centuries, will clearly find some other way to come together without their common hatred of Israel to unite them. Some may be worried that all the expansive infrastructure that the Israelis have spent the last 60 years building will go to waste, but that’s just their racism talking; I’m sure that once the Palestinians, led by Hamas, take over, they will be totally up to the task of operating a modern country. They’ve always adapted so well to new challenges in the past.
Don’t listen to those closed-minded people who say that without Israel, the Middle East will be an even bigger bloodbath than it is now. That’s absurd; why would that segment of the Arab world squander the opportunity for boundless success and sully it with pointless, religiously-motivated internal violence? When have they ever done that before? I’m sure that in a post-Terrestrial-Israel world, Twitter will no longer be flooded with images of dead Palestinian children, because all the other nations in that region have great respect for the Palestinian people and would never kill them in droves for no reason. In fact, I’ll bet that once we’ve achieved Moon Jewtopia, the only picture of a Palestinian child you will ever see on Social Media will feature him or her holding an ice cream cone while partaking of expansive cultural enrichment programs.
Plus, once all Jews are safely in space, you just know that terrorist organizations like Hamas will just say “Oh well, out of sight, out of mind!” and start using their oil fortunes for the good of their own people instead of buying weapons. That seems like a totally in-character thing for them to do. I bet they’ve been meaning to spend all their oil money on schools and health care for the poorest in Gaza, but we silly Jews have just been in the way this whole time. Sorry, our bad! Sometimes we’re so busy being responsible for a disproportionate amount of the world’s achievements in science and the humanities that we just miss the forest for the trees, but we get it now.
Finally, if you’re not a fan of the moon for whatever reason, there are other options. Jews on Venus? Sure we’ll all burn to death, but fuck, we’re used to that by now. Jews on Pluto? It may not technically be a planet, but Jews may not technically be a “nation” either, so we can trek over there and have our ongoing existential crisis on a rock currently undergoing another existential crisis, and frankly, what could possibly be more Jewish than that? Honestly, I’m starting to like the idea of settling on Pluto better than the moon, but getting to the moon is cheaper, and you know…Jews. Hahahaha, it’s okay when I say it.
So Gawker Media was off to a good start, but they just didn’t have the chutzpah to do what needed to be done; clearly, they need some dirty Jews on staff to raise the level of their work. Would it be too arrogant to suggest myself for this task? I’ll be available mornings, M-W-F once telecommuting from the greater Bjerknes Crater area becomes available. Please keep in mind that my pay will need to be converted into official Moon Jew Dollars, but don’t worry; some smart Jew will be sure to calculate the exchange rate long before that comes up.
*LOL that’s a joke I barely know who Albertine is.