My New Cause: Classic My Little Pony Activism

Fizzy2bIt has recently come to my attention that all you have to do to become an activist is say “I’m an activist,” and that’s super-convenient. After thinking about it for an entire five seconds, I decided that if I was going to become an activist for anything, it should be the thing closest to my heart: Classic My Little Pony.

Notice I said “Classic.” My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is okay and all, but the colors are too saturated, the villains have no teeth, and Pinkie Pie is just a cheap ripoff of Surprise anyway. Yeah, I went there.

Here are the goals of my movement, although they are all subject to change; frankly, I like the idea of leading this movement rather than having it accomplish anything in particular.

Goals of Classic MLP Activism:

1. Re-educate all bronies so that they all realize that Classic MLP is infinitely superior to MLP:FiM. Notice that’s infinitely superior; acknowledging that individual aspects of Classic MLP may have been better is not sufficient. I’m talking about a complete paradigm shift here; what’s the point of activism if you don’t dream big? In any case, the funding to build the necessary re-education camps will come from a mandatory, international $5 tax imposed on anyone who ever argues about bronies on the internet; this may require the UN’s cooperation.

2. Make sure everyone in the world sees that one episode where Sweet Stuff and Gusty switch personalities, because it’s amazing.

3. Launch “One Unicorn, One Power,” campaign; no more of this ‘Twilight Sparkle can have every power because she’s a magical genius’ bullshit. Every unicorn should have one power that correlates to their symbol, as God intended. That reminds me:

4. Aim for widespread recognition that those little pictures ponies have on the side of their butts are called “symbols.” There is no such thing, I repeat, NO SUCH THING, as a “cutie mark.”

5. Campaign for a new MLP cartoon that uses the original characters and their designs. While we’re at it, let’s also campaign for a new Rainbow Brite, She-Ra, Jem and the Holograms, and even Lady Lovelylocks. Basically, we have to acknowledge that the ’80s were the only time when the United States made its own shoujo anime, and we desperately need to go back to that time. Funding for this new programming will come from a mandatory, international $5 tax on anyone who ever talks about whether The Legend of Korra “is really anime” on the internet.

New-old MLP cartoon must be written by frustrated D&D addicts just like the original cartoon, and include a terrifying, existential threat to all Ponyland at least every other episode.

6. Complete re-releases of all the original MLP toys…assuming the featured characters appeared in the cartoon or other contemporary media. I’m talking Glory, Fizzy, Masquerade, the heavy-hitters; no need to touch “Hip-Hop” or “Jazzie” and all those other bullshit ponies that Hasbro started cranking out in the late ’80s. This movement has standards.

Oh, and the re-releases have to conform to the original proportions. The Classic mini-ponies line that Barnes and Noble is currently selling is nice and all, but the proportions are totally off: not acceptable.

photo(3)Hahahah NO Firefly is not a manatee

7. People who make custom ponies using anything other than extremely common, “Custom-bait” ’80s ponies as the base should be subject to extensive fines and jail time. Conversely, custom artists can do whatever they want with post-1990 ponies, because no one gives a shit.

8. Lobby for the reprinting of MLP Colorforms, because Colorforms were the best toy and the fact that they no longer exist is basically child abuse. I’ll bet if you look into it, something in the plastic adhesive probably gave people cancer, but dammit, they were just the best toys. You could make your own MLP story right in your living room!

9. Ban all cosplay of Classic MLPs.  There is no reason, I just don’t like it. Wearing T-shirts featuring your favorite pony, however, is both allowed and encouraged.

10. Anyone who owns any Classic MLP toys or merchandise that I don’t should send it all to me for documentation, and to be displayed at the Official MLP Museum one day. Except all those old thermoses that have apple juice from thirty years ago in them, that’s gross. And coloring books where someone colored outside the lines with their Crayolas and totally messed up the art, because that’s just sad. But other than that? I want Everything. Your ponies, GIVE THEM TO ME!!I I AM THE LEADER AND YOUR TOYS WILL BE ASSIMILATED! VICTORY!!!

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Well, I have my marching orders for the rest of my life. Good luck to the rest of you out there, desperately searching to add meaning to your stay here on Earth; I remember those dark times.

 

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