My New Cause: Classic My Little Pony Activism

Fizzy2bIt has recently come to my attention that all you have to do to become an activist is say “I’m an activist,” and that’s super-convenient. After thinking about it for an entire five seconds, I decided that if I was going to become an activist for anything, it should be the thing closest to my heart: Classic My Little Pony.

Notice I said “Classic.” My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is okay and all, but the colors are too saturated, the villains have no teeth, and Pinkie Pie is just a cheap ripoff of Surprise anyway. Yeah, I went there.

Here are the goals of my movement, although they are all subject to change; frankly, I like the idea of leading this movement rather than having it accomplish anything in particular.

Goals of Classic MLP Activism:

1. Re-educate all bronies so that they all realize that Classic MLP is infinitely superior to MLP:FiM. Notice that’s infinitely superior; acknowledging that individual aspects of Classic MLP may have been better is not sufficient. I’m talking about a complete paradigm shift here; what’s the point of activism if you don’t dream big? In any case, the funding to build the necessary re-education camps will come from a mandatory, international $5 tax imposed on anyone who ever argues about bronies on the internet; this may require the UN’s cooperation.

2. Make sure everyone in the world sees that one episode where Sweet Stuff and Gusty switch personalities, because it’s amazing.

3. Launch “One Unicorn, One Power,” campaign; no more of this ‘Twilight Sparkle can have every power because she’s a magical genius’ bullshit. Every unicorn should have one power that correlates to their symbol, as God intended. That reminds me:

4. Aim for widespread recognition that those little pictures ponies have on the side of their butts are called “symbols.” There is no such thing, I repeat, NO SUCH THING, as a “cutie mark.”

5. Campaign for a new MLP cartoon that uses the original characters and their designs. While we’re at it, let’s also campaign for a new Rainbow Brite, She-Ra, Jem and the Holograms, and even Lady Lovelylocks. Basically, we have to acknowledge that the ’80s were the only time when the United States made its own shoujo anime, and we desperately need to go back to that time. Funding for this new programming will come from a mandatory, international $5 tax on anyone who ever talks about whether The Legend of Korra “is really anime” on the internet.

New-old MLP cartoon must be written by frustrated D&D addicts just like the original cartoon, and include a terrifying, existential threat to all Ponyland at least every other episode.

6. Complete re-releases of all the original MLP toys…assuming the featured characters appeared in the cartoon or other contemporary media. I’m talking Glory, Fizzy, Masquerade, the heavy-hitters; no need to touch “Hip-Hop” or “Jazzie” and all those other bullshit ponies that Hasbro started cranking out in the late ’80s. This movement has standards.

Oh, and the re-releases have to conform to the original proportions. The Classic mini-ponies line that Barnes and Noble is currently selling is nice and all, but the proportions are totally off: not acceptable.

photo(3)Hahahah NO Firefly is not a manatee

7. People who make custom ponies using anything other than extremely common, “Custom-bait” ’80s ponies as the base should be subject to extensive fines and jail time. Conversely, custom artists can do whatever they want with post-1990 ponies, because no one gives a shit.

8. Lobby for the reprinting of MLP Colorforms, because Colorforms were the best toy and the fact that they no longer exist is basically child abuse. I’ll bet if you look into it, something in the plastic adhesive probably gave people cancer, but dammit, they were just the best toys. You could make your own MLP story right in your living room!

9. Ban all cosplay of Classic MLPs.  There is no reason, I just don’t like it. Wearing T-shirts featuring your favorite pony, however, is both allowed and encouraged.

10. Anyone who owns any Classic MLP toys or merchandise that I don’t should send it all to me for documentation, and to be displayed at the Official MLP Museum one day. Except all those old thermoses that have apple juice from thirty years ago in them, that’s gross. And coloring books where someone colored outside the lines with their Crayolas and totally messed up the art, because that’s just sad. But other than that? I want Everything. Your ponies, GIVE THEM TO ME!!I I AM THE LEADER AND YOUR TOYS WILL BE ASSIMILATED! VICTORY!!!

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Well, I have my marching orders for the rest of my life. Good luck to the rest of you out there, desperately searching to add meaning to your stay here on Earth; I remember those dark times.

 

Women Against Women Against Part II: The Daily Beast

I really thought I was done with the whole “Women Against Feminism” subject for now, but this piece from The Daily Beast, by Emily Shire, demonstrates the way feminists will completely abandon their own supposed ideology in the zeal to defend their supposed ideology. It also has the advantage of being typical of most of the response pieces to WAF that I’ve encountered, so I can tackle a lot of faulty arguments that are appearing all over the place at once.

Continue reading Women Against Women Against Part II: The Daily Beast

Let’s Put Israel On The Moon

A few days ago, this Gawker piece proposed the elegant solution of moving Israel from its current location to Germany. Now some readers took umbrage that this was a shockingly daft thing to say, but I disagree; writer Hamilton Nolan’s sole problem is that he didn’t go far enough. We don’t want Israel in another country, where the current inhabitants of said country will likely get pissed off and start bombing it from different angles; we want Israel somewhere really far away, where we don’t have to worry about it. Somewhere like the moon. Continue reading Let’s Put Israel On The Moon

Women Against Women Against…whatever

I haven’t wanted to do too many posts on feminism or anything related to it, aside from my explanation of why I can’t call myself one, because I didn’t want to be known as “that horrible anti-feminist blogger who should probably die in a fire.” I can’t actually be an anti-feminist for the same reasons that I can’t be a feminist, and I really don’t want to die in a fire, but really…the ship on my not offending people has kind of already sailed, so whatever. I can post about feminism if I want to, dammit. Continue reading Women Against Women Against…whatever

Sword Art Online II, Ep. 3: Panic Room

I have a problem. If I’m going to blog about SAO, I should blog about my thoughts about it, not fall into the trap of just responding to other people’s criticisms of it. However, I hear that the big criticism of this episode is that it’s psychologically unrealistic, and as someone who has written about her own struggles with OCD and panic disorder before, that’s just….ugh.

Continue reading Sword Art Online II, Ep. 3: Panic Room

Sword Art Online II, Ep. 2: Sniper chaps

Sinon1Really, all there is to say about this episode is “Wow, Sinon is a badass, huh?” That’s not such a bad thing; considering she’s clearly going to be very important in the GGO arc, spending an episode introducing her is reasonable. But beyond wondering what a seemingly honorable girl like Sinon is doing with a bunch of thugs who steal other players’ virtual lunch money, I didn’t have many thoughts on this episode.

I just took it as an excuse to draw Chibi-Sinon above, which I have mixed feelings about: On the one hand, Sinon is fun to draw, but on the other, if I ever want to do a “serious” drawing of her, I’ll have to learn how to draw all her damn guns. And rifles with long barrels require actual rulers and everything. Dammit.

Oh, and I hear the “criticism” of this episode was that “no one would really take video games that seriously.” I’m just…what? Really? You really can’t imagine people taking a game super-seriously? People already treat the console war metagame as though it were a matter of life and death, but thinking that virtual-reality assassins would be really absorbed into their VR game is just crossing a line?

Wow.

Hopefully next time I’ll have something to say about SAO II, since I’m assuming Kirito enters a new world and tries to bring a sword to a gunfight, or something. I hear you’re really, really not supposed to do that.

Sketchblog: Sailor Moon

SMsillysketchI was really unhappy with the stiff and awkward sketch of Sailor Moon I did for my Sailor Moon Crystal post, so I decided to give Usagi another try. Naturally, I have produced another drawing that I am unhappy with, only in a different way; it’s much less stiff an awkward than the first one (yaaay!), but the poor girl has a bad case of Chipmunk Face and I can’t seem to fix it.

Okay, one day I will do a sketch of Sailor Moon that is complete unto itself, and I will feel warm and fuzzy inside; today is not that day. But I’m getting closer, err, maybe.

Sword Art Online II, Ep. 1: Dating for nerds

KiritoAsunaSo, Sword Art Online kicked off another season. Not much happens in this first episode, but the mystery of “How are people being killed in a videogame THIS TIME?” is compelling enough to keep me interested.

I only have a few thoughts on this episode so far, so I figured I’d just dash them off in devil-may-care note format. A rebel is me! Continue reading Sword Art Online II, Ep. 1: Dating for nerds